So, you're reading about the guy pictured here at the left. You're thinking to yourself as you glean over the page that he's written so much about himself... in fact, he must be full of himself! Well, you might be right, or you might be on the right track, or, you might be capable of only making surface level deductions. Everyone is their own judge, jury and executive branch, so I'll let you draw your own conclusions about what you read here about this man.
I must admit, that I fear reading this will give you no hints as to who I am, or any great insight into the depths of my inner most intentions. It isn't that I would like to remain a mystery, rather, the effort involved in getting to know someone depends on your level of interaction. From you, it will require time, thinking, empathy, creating silence in a room full of noise, and, undoubtedly, a shiny object.
Before I take you any further down this road, I'd like to explain a bit about this journal. First and foremost, my journal is a work of fiction which is based on the experience and character that I've come to associate with myself. Most of the events you read about here are taken directly from my life, while other events are slight exaggerations or clever oversights from what I know the truth to be. In that sense, you will not see every blunder I make in life and you will not see every wondrous deed I do. The journal then, is a unique account that I present to you. It is who I let you see and it is the character I wish to create as a means to alleviate boredom, to entertain those who follow closely, and a tool that I use to chronicle my life's misshape and chaos in well-seeming forms. If you read to understand the individual, it is your responsibility to extrapolate and deal with the correct and incorrect assumptions.
My efforts of autobiographical fiction have lead this journal to be titled "Remnants of an Imperfect System: A Narcissist's Campaign Against Entropy"-- a tribute to some of the antics regarding self admiration and chadenfreude that I like to play with. The color scheme I use is a mixture of black, white and various shades of red, fashioned in my head as what I might imagine the dynamic nature of seduction, outlandish statements, rants and callous interactions with the world to be like. It is the same vivaciousness that I employ to understand you. It is neither cruel nor a cautious approach, but is done out of a deep-rooted respect in the human condition which acknowledges that life is not always pleasant, never boring, always changing and undeniably worth living.
On some topics, I like to be forthright. My personal belief on social interaction follows that after birth, the events that dictate personal identity are the interactions and environment surrounding the individual. In so few words and in a very concise fashion, I want to provide insight into the life of another individual. In even fewer, I hope to change you, persuade you, and shape you. If you believe that this is manipulation, you're probably right. Though I do ask that if you're the type that is already up in arms and pointing fingers is to think twice about your life and the many things you're exposed to day to day. Very rarely do I have an agenda. To make a comparison, reading my journal for a year will not change your life any more dramatically than watching the evening news on television for one day. You'll probably be more manipulated by the experience you get from walking your dog in the morning or starring at a piece of hair in your Taco Bell burrito. Manipulation is all around us, and it is both an honor and a pleasure to participate in this exchange.
Laughter is a form of acceptance of the inabilities we've come to know. In life, neurotic people would sooner worry themselves to death whereas I'd much rather leave laughing. I've found the things people hate most are the things they hate most about themselves--attenuated for whatever that something is or has done to them; the people they hate most are much like themselves, in some respects. If you hate me, perhaps it's a complement. Maybe we're not all that different.
There are times that I feel that as appropriately described under a 'Bio' section that I should have some sort of concept or idea as to who to who I am that I could give to you in plain, unequivocal words. To describe how I feel regarding most situations then, would first require a certain degree of metathought, which I know to exist but I also know that most of the time the appropriate language to describe it does not. Perhaps it goes without saying that the way I view the world is not in terms of red, green and blue, but the underlying meaning and in some cases a deep yearning for truth, like a sort of n-ordered derivative of living and daily life. I'm not noble enough to call this a conviction because I do it for purely selfish reasons. Perhaps I've grown accustomed to searching for clues in the old fashioned hope that in doing so I will have somehow validated my existence. You're simply stuck with my limited eloquence and your desire to understand it.
"I realized that in those two years, in order to preserve something-- an inner hush maybe, maybe not-- I had weaned myself from all the things I used to love-- that every act of life from the morning tooth-brush to the friend at dinner had become an effort. I saw that for a long time I had not liked people and things, but only followed the rickety old pretense of liking. I saw that even my love for those closest to me was become only an attempt to love, that my casual relations-- with an editor, a tobacco seller, the child of a friend, were only what I remembered I should do, from other days. All in the same month I became bitter about such things as the sound of the radio, the advertisements in magazines, the screech of tracks, the dead silence of the country-- contemptuous at human softness, immediately (if secretively) quarrelsome toward hardness-- hating the night when I couldn't sleep and hating the day because it went toward night. I slept on the heart side now because I knew that the sooner I could tire that out, even a little, the sooner would come the blessed hour of nightmare, which, like a catharsis, would enable me to better meet the new day." -- FSF
There is something important to say about intention and agendas-- that being as illustrated above, my actions are rarely done out of expectation in the top-down fashion. Instead, I shy from nomenclature designed to define who I am in order to maintain the personal freedoms I enjoy. I operate in a bottom-up fashion to define my existance-- to love, to live, to learn as I see fit when I see fit and employ a top-down approach to establish my goals, desires, and agenda. The pseudonym 'LucidOndine' is derivative of this ethos. Here is one of the definitive aspects of my persona, bonified and concrete. I live with intention and persue it with an unyielding tenacity.